Natty Alert

Why me? I work hard. I do my job well. Hell, I did my job so well when I first started that they fired the woman I was hired to help because I could do it better than she could. Does this garner any respect from Natty? Hell no. I am still being treated like a damn secretary.

My morning began with an email sent to someone else and copied to me that said, “I’ve copied Amy who has access to my schedule and can work out a time with both of you.” First of all, I do not have access to your calendar. And second, do it your damn self! In the time it took to right the email she could have told them when she was available.

So I am in the process of emailing Natty to point out that I do not in fact have access to her schedule when I get an email from the person she needs the meeting with suggesting some new times. In the time it takes me to read the damn email Natty has already responded with, “That time works, that was easy!” Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!

What was the point in even involving me? It’s not like I didn’t have work I was supposed to be doing. People wonder why it takes so long to get something done. I think the answer is pretty clear on this one.

The Emmy's

Conan was magnificent as usual. If you missed his version of The Music Man’s “Trouble” number I feel sorry for you. So sorry I will try and sing a little bit for you…

Trouble, oh we got trouble,
Right here at NBC!
With a capital "T"
That rhymes with "G"
And that stands for ‘Gee, we’re screwed’,
We've surely got trouble!
Right here at NBC!

It was magical. Other Conan gems include the instigation of certain rules regarding speeches, “You are not allowed to say ‘this is heavy’ when handed your award. Of course it’s heavy! It holds the shattered dreams of three other people.” And consequences if the show runs over, “I have place beloved actor Bob Newhart in an airless chamber with exactly three hours worth of oxygen. If the show runs even one second over the three hours, Bob Newhart will die.” I’m not sure whether it was the repeated cuts to Newhart in the chamber with the countdown clock or the desire to get to the parties but the show miraculously came in at three minutes under schedule. Bob lives!

Winners and Losers
After losing the Emmy to Barry Manilow (no joke) for Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program, Stephen Colbert let the Academy have it, "Kneel before your god, Babylon!... Barry Manilow! I lost to the 'Copacabana.' Singing and dancing is not performing." Robbed!

Upon reaching the stage to receive her Emmy for Actress in a Miniseries or Movie, Helen Mirren proclaimed she was glad she didn’t go "ass over tit" while trying to reach the stage. Priceless.

Here’s a rundown of the only categories I paid attention to:
Drama Series – 24 (though it should have gone to last year’s winner Lost who wasn’t even nominated… idiots!)
Comedy Series – The Office (should have been Arrested Development)
Variety, Musical or Comedy Series – The Daily Show (Stephen Colbert was ROBBED!)
Actor/Actress – Nobody I really cared about was nominated in comedy or drama, lead or supporting so I tuned them out.

In related news…
“The manager of the Lexington, Kentucky NBC affiliate stating he was ‘horrified’ by Conan O'Brien's opening monologue sketch, which included a plane crash scene in homage to Lost and aired only hours after 49 people were killed in a real place crash in Kentucky.”

Seriously? Hell, the networks better stop all medical, police, and crime related shows because god forbid TV reflect reality in any way. My question is, Do you think the Lexington man would have laughed had the crash happened in Wyoming instead of his state? Would he have even thought twice about it?

White Trash Bash

That’s no typo. It’s one of the greatest parties you will ever attend. Just think, you show up looking like you rolled out of a trailer park and the drunker and filthier that you become as the night progresses the better you look. Could you really ask for anything more?

At this kind party your look is critical. After a rousing Goodwill shopping trip to prepare for Saturday’s party I went with a ringer shirt (stained of course) that featured a cowboy hat-wearing bear strumming a guitar over the words “Love That Country Music”, a fake jean skirt that was trimmed with faux leather and zipped all the way up the front, and shiny gold strapped sandals with pink socks. Oh, I was a sight to be seen. This was coupled with makeup applied with the assistance of two very eager 4 and 5 year olds and a lot of hairspray and ratting.

While I felt I looked truly trashy Sarah was worse (and in this instance that was better). She brought back the high scrunched hair from the 80’s and paired it with bad makeup, a sleeveless shirt emblazoned with “ORYGUN”, very short shorts, nylons, and white pleather ankle boots. Man it was glorious!

There were all kinds of trash at this ball… “pregnant” smoking teenagers, barefoot and “pregnant” women in muumuus, men in very small tight shorts, socks and flip-flops, Disney characters on overalls, black bra straps galore, trucker hats, and of course the requisite “wife-beaters”.

There were Twinkies, Cheetos, Chickin-in-a-Biskit, Quick Cheese, Fritos, 40’s, and of course a keg. It wouldn’t be a party if there wasn’t a keg, funnel, and someone dumb enough to do a keg stand. Let me tell you, there were plenty of keg stands to go around.

Once the dancing had ended, the Twister game was destroyed, the lawn chairs were busted, the was keg emptied, shoes were located, and my skirt was broken (unzipped with no way of re-zipping it) as a result of being tackled to the ground, and the drunk people were driver home we called it a night.

And oh what a night it was.

Inciting A Riot

Babble. It is simply the greatest combination of Boggle and Scrabble (my favorite game) one can find on the internet. However, like everything else it has a darkside. In the case of Babble it is the babblers. The addicted players that logon everyday not only to play the game but to chat with other players and occasionally share clues. Normally I just ignore the chat but yesterday was different.

I was playing with my friend Sarah, and between the two of us we were doing really well. We were down to 12 words or so (out of 200) and I was stuck. So I asked for a clue from the babblers. What follows is the stuff of Babble legend. For I, in the course of a couple of posts incited a riot. A riot that I had to go at alone, for it was myself against the boring old biddies that flock to the site.

It all began at 9:03 pm (EST), a Babbler with the handle “stidmama” posts a novel… I kid you not it took up the entire chat log. Nearly an hour later she’s still at it, and I’m thoroughly annoyed. Her story is mind-numbingly boring and very poorly written. So I decide to take action.

I have abbreviated the chat log so you can clearly see what went on; because during all of this people were still trying to talk about the game being played… imagine that.

9:56 pm – stidmama
By this time, the torch had burned out, but the moons were up and the passageway was now silver tinged with deep blues and purples. We could see clearly and the mule, far from complaining, picked up the pace.

9:56 pm – stidmama
We drove on further, and the woman explained that her people had lived in the land to which we journeyed for longer than the pass had gone through the mountains. They had named the animals, the rocks, the plants and the stars.

9:56 pm – AmyLou (that’s me)
enough storytime, more cluetime... i need mi 6/24 not the disease related word

** stidmama is unfazed and continues to share her story. Which I must point out is already posted on her very own website **

9:57 pm – stidmama
I was fascinated by her tale, and so will the children be.

9:57 pm – Ping
more storytime!

** Is she serious!? **

9:57 pm – stidmama
We stopped again, as the sky turned from dark blue to aubergine.

9:58 pm – stidmama
Again, we dismounted. Again, she asked me to close my eyes.

9:58 pm – stidmama
I did so without hesitation. Perhaps I should have been more cautious.

** Enter jillibus an 80 year old Canadian hag. **

9:58 pm – jillibus
rude, amylou

10:00 pm – jillibus
there's penty of cluetime

10:00 pm – AmyLou
this is not for novel sharing, this is for game help

10:01 pm – lbdawger
Amy, take a chill, we're cluing as Stid tells us a story.

** Welcome to my shit list lbdawger. **

10:01 pm – jillibus
are you not noticing all the game help, amulou?

10:01 pm – stidmama
AmyLou, Many people on the log enjoy the story. If you do not, then ignore every post that comes up with my icon. I will be done with tonight's installment soon.

** stidmama has now been actively chatting on Babble for nearly 12 hours, with only a 3 ½ hour break. She has now posted nearly 70 “story” related posts. **

10:01 pm – AmyLou
email works for that

10:02 pm – Ping
with all 100 of us?

10:02 pm – LeslieAnn
sorry, amy, i'm afraid you're outnumbered

** Insanity! She already has the story posted online and the link in her bio. One sane person against over 100 crazies? How could I ever win? **

10:02 pm – illibus
you are VERY rude, amylou

** At this point I am shaking I am so pissed. Yet stidmama continues. **

10:02 pm – stidmama
Aema was watching me intently. "And?" she asked.

10:03 pm – spangles
Amylou stop being antagonistic you sound like a twelve year old child. Maybe its past your bedtime.

10:03 pm – AmyLou
shut up spangles

** spangles has now become public enemy number one. **

10:04 pm – elphaba
Did I miss something? Is it rude night tonight?

10:04 pm – stidmama
Again, she nodded and reached into her bag. She drew out a shirt, made of the same gossamer as her shawl. I carefully folded the blue shirt you had made me and placed it with the pants.

10:05 pm – jbp
AmyLou, there are lots of clues around. No need to pick fights. we all babble together

10:06 pm - jillibus
Hello elph - we're hoping the rudeness has got the message

** So subtle jillibus. And unless the message is that you are a bitch, no I haven’t gotten the message. **

10:07 pm – stidmama
We got back in the cart. The jenny took off at a trot. The sky was turning pink, and the walls of the mountains shone like bronze

10:08 pm – stidmama
I was no longer cold, and felt a strange sense of courage. I looked at her, and found she had braided her hair and put it up like a crown on her head.

10:08 pm – AmyLou
all i am trying to do is play the game, i just want a freaking clue and i have asked many times and no one responds.... all i asked for was the return of clues... you are the ones who attacked me, not the other way around

10:08 pm – jbp
amylou, what clue did you ask. one of us will help if we have it

10:09 pm – pam
and, amylou, it is a chatterbox, not a clue hotline

10:09 pm – pam
so if you need a clue and didn't get it, ask again

10:09 pm – pam
nicely

** Aaaahhh! Make it stop! Where the hell do these people come from?**

10:09 pm – LeslieAnn
amylou i do not have the word you're looking for. sorry.

10:09 pm – AmyLou
mi 6/24 no the disease related one

10:10 pm – jillibus
ois it the one about where you would be if you fell off a trapeze, amylou?

** What? **

10:10 pm – stidmama
Overhead, a flight of swallows joined in, weaving through the air as if dancing to the song.

10:10 pm – Ping
mi 6/24 - an acrobat flies through mi****

10:12 pm – balletslippers
mi 6 24 planes crash in mi****

** I now have the word I have been asking for help with for over an hour… midair. **

10:13 pm – stidmama
that's it for tonight, I think, tomorrow we'll pick up the final leg to the new land

** After over 80 story related posts she finally stops. Unbelievable. Even more unbelievable is the fact that she does this every night. EVERY NIGHT! **

10:13 pm – AmyLou
got the word, thanks ping and balletslippers

10:13 pm – balletslippers
no prob amylou

10:13 pm – Ping
yw amy

10:14 pm – jillibus
Amy, I clued you too

** How petty can one woman get? **

After all of that we finally finished the puzzle and I got my fireworks.

I still can’t believe it all happened. I need a new game. Any suggestions?

Survivor Segregation

For those that are sane enough not to follow the goings on over at CBS's Surivor here's some more fuel for the fire... Racial Segregation.

Turns out the upcoming season of Surivor will start out by pitting whites, blacks, Asians, and Hispanics against eachother. They are claiming this will be a "valuable social experiment". What would be more valuable is showing the middle America viewers that working as a successful team has nothing to do with race but the strength of its members.

Ugh! I hated the show before but now it's a whole new monster. The apparent reason behind this brain aneurism are complaints that Surivor is not ethincally diverse enough. These people make millions of dollars and this is the solution they came up with. Want to know what Mark Burnett, the show's creator had to say? Here you go: "But we're smart enough to not make it negative. We're smart enough to have gotten rid of every racist person in casting... Our original idea was simply to have the most ethnically diverse group of people on TV. It wasn't until we got to casting and started noticing this theme of ethnic pride that we started thinking, 'Wow, if culture is still playing such a big part in these people's lives, that's our idea. Let's divide them based on ethnicity.'" I can understand why, as an American, he would have a hard time understanding cultural pride.

Let's see what he says after the first food competition. I can hear the bleeps now.

Natty News

One may think doing your job well saves you from being berated by your boss. Well not where I work.

I am currently working at the offices of one of my company’s clients which puts me in the unfortunate position of having to deal with Her. Allow me to introduce you to “Natty” the manager from… well I have no idea where she comes from, normally one would say hell here but that seems to nice. She is around the age of 36, wears clothes too young for her, has thick dry hair down to her ass that looks like extensions, and frequently wears her sunglasses as a headband. She is a piece of work, which brings me to today’s...

Natty News
My co-sufferer out here just got lectured over the phone (because Natty is too good to come into the office) because she is doing her job too well. That’s right, too well. My co-sufferer, now to be known as Pen, is in charge of putting together marketing plans to present to clients in order to get permission to market a successful project.

Now Pen and I have both been here less than two years and this hasn’t been done very successfully since we’ve been here; it was previously Natty’s responsibility. Pen took over about two month’s ago and is doing fantastically well, so well in fact that permissions have nearly tripled. This results in a lecture from Natty. Why you ask? Because Natty doesn’t want anyone to get the impression that this wasn’t being done before. Yeah, she’s pissed that one of her workers is performing better than she did.

The truly unbelievable Natty News will be a regular occurrence until I can get the hell out of the Gray World that is my office.

Pocket Pies

The reasons behind the creation of this blog are two fold; 1. to rant without consequence and 2. so that I can stop hearing "you need to blog this shit" every time I message a friend about my day. Don't believe me? This is how I started my day:

Amy says:
Want to hear something funny?
Amy says:
I just got done at the dentist office and opened up my goody bag... inside I find a lime green toothbrush with the dentist's info, a mini thing of floss (berry mint - eww), a coupon for toothpaste, and a stick of wintergreen chapstick personalized with my dentist's information. Have I been away from the dentist that long? When did they start giving out chapstick!?
Kara says:
chapstick helps your teeth
Kara says:
i'm tired of this...i should NOT be the only one that gets these tasty tidbits of humor! you need to start a blog
Kara says:
even if each entry is just that short
Amy says:
The oddest part is that the damn toothpaste they cleaned my teeth with was strawberry but the chapstick was a mint flavor
Kara says:
some people put chapstick on their tongue
Amy says:
Only if you think of a fantastic name for the blog
Kara says:
no, i made that up
Kara says:
i didn't get home until 9 pm last night
Amy says:
your work blows
Kara says:
and there's your title
Kara says:
"Work Blows"
Amy says:
i made pocket pies last night that i am now eating for breakfast
Kara says:
of course you did...i'm getting you an apron that says "i'm fantastic"
Kara says:
i just have to find one
Amy says:
lol!
Amy says:
can you say shit in a blog?
Kara says:
of course you can
Kara says:
you can say whatever you want in a blog
Kara says:
you can say "i eat jewish babies" in a blog
Kara says:
though you might not want to
Amy says:
sweet! i may have to make that my sign off for each post. how do you think that will go over?
Kara says:
splendidly

So begins my blog.